The Power of No

I prefer not to invest too much time in emails, texts and phone calls before meeting a guy in person, because none of it matters until you see each other and determine whether or not there is any chemistry.  The good dates I’ve had, resulted in a quick phone call and/or a couple of email exchanges.

Six months ago, it took seven emails, ten texts and a thirty-minute phone call to schedule a date with Eduardo. Twenty-eight minutes of that call was spent with me listening to him talk about his work history in television production.  I wondered if he looking for a date or a job. After a week of various types of communication and my interest waning, he committed to meeting the following Saturday at Cafe La Boheme in West Hollywood at 6pm.

Late that Saturday afternoon, my phone bleeped with a text from Eduardo. He was still playing golf and could no longer meet at 6pm.  Multiple texts followed, with him initially trying to push back our meeting time.  However, without me answering a single text, he eventually came to the conclusion that he would be too tired, so we should reschedule for another time.   Why bother?  If a guy cancels on the first date, he will always cancel.  It’s also a good indicator of where you are on his list of priorities: Right under ‘send check to ex-wife.’

Last week, Eduardo started contacting me again.  First it was an email from an online dating site, which I no longer subscribe to, but still receive emails from. Then he left me a voicemail message, followed by a text.  Why the full court press after all this time?

I ignored his messages. I’d been down this road and didn’t want to waste any more time.  He continued to text me.  I re-examined the photos on his profile, including shots of him on the beach, on his Harley, in a nightclub and a close up of his face with a big, fat cigar in his mouth.  If someone posts more than a few shots, they typically have photos taken with their family and/or friends.  Eduardo had thirteen photos of just himself.

His text messages continued. I ignored him at first, and then, realizing he wasn’t going to stop sending them, I finally texted him back.  “We tried this once before and you canceled.  No, I’m not interested.”  Meeting someone should be simple.  Period.  I suggested we not waste each other’s time again.

“He got you,” said my long time friend, Ivan.  “You should have just continued to ignore him and he would have gone away. But saying ‘no’ is like candy to a guy. Once a guy hears ‘no’, he’s going to try that much harder to get to ‘yes’”.  If only I would have learned the power of ‘no’ years ago.

Eduardo immediately texted me back saying he had been quite busy and spent the last three months traveling around the world.  “I am really interested in meeting you,” he wrote.  “We really have both been patient and that speaks volumes of one another and why don’t you call me right now and we’ll plan something for tonight.”  I wasn’t getting sucked into another long phone conversation with him.  And, did he really think I had been waiting for him to contact me again?  How can you be considered “patiently waiting” for someone you’re not waiting for?

“Pick a time and a place and I will be there,” he wrote.  ”Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” I thought, and I haven’t been on any great dates lately.  I accepted his challenge and picked a place in my neighborhood, so if he canceled, I could walk home.  “Ok, the bar at Hatfield’s at 7,” I texted back.  He wasn’t sure he could make it by 7.  “Maybe we should plan something for next weekend,” he suggested.  “No,” I wrote back.

“Ok, ok, I’ll be there,” he said.  Just as I was walking into the restaurant, I got a text.  He was caught in traffic. I usually have zero tolerance for this sort of thing, but I had a grim determination to see this through, so I figured I’d order a cocktail at the bar and if he hadn’t arrived after I finished it, I was heading home.

Eduardo eventually arrived twenty minutes later.  We each had a martini, and he talked about himself, his extensive travels, and his job.  One of us found him completely fascinating. After an hour, I decided to leave.

He offered to walk me to my car, but I explained I was parked in front of my home and I was fine walking back by myself.  “Let me be a gentleman and walk you home,” he said.  I explained to him again that I did not feel comfortable with him, or anyone else I meet online, coming to my house. But he persisted. Funny how a guy who couldn’t commit to meeting me for six months was so committed to seeing me home.

He acted offended. “I can’t believe you’re not letting me be a gentleman in making sure you get home safely,” he said.  “A gentleman would be respectful of my request to walk myself home.”  He muttered a few words in Spanish under his breath and turned on his heel toward the valet.

As I walked down the street, I heard a car turn the corner and speed up the street.  I quickly turned down a side street as Eduardo sped by. “No,” I thought, “a thousand times no.”

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